Death is No Friend of Mine
by sassckles
Summary: A different take on the season 3 finale, even though I've seen season 4 *which was AMAZING BTW*  Rated T for safety *CHARACTER DEATH* first ever fanfic, please read and review - NP
1. Chapter 1

**This is my FIRST EVER fanfic, and I have NO idea if it is any good or not. Please read and review, even if there is nothing nice to be said about it. Disclaimer: I have not, do not and will never own Castle. This is purely for my own (and hopefully others) enjoyment.**

**Kate POV**

The bullet tears through my flesh. The pain makes me gasp and I find myself falling. I know what is happening even though my fevered brain won't accept it. _I'm dying_, and I know with absolute certainty that that small fact it the truth. How many times had I been in a situation that could wind me up in this position? Surely dozens, but I had always come out fine. I never felt fear when a barrel of a gun was pointed at my face. You could always reason with a suspect, talk to them in a calm, cool voice, and make them drop the weapon.

I could stare into the face of death and feel no fear, but now that I was physically in the hands of Death himself, I was terrified. I said once when I was freezing to death that I thought that by being a cop that I would die by the hands of a bullet, but I was delirious. Truthfully, I had not given any thought to how I would die. Maybe when I was old, had lived a good, happy, long life with my family by my side. Or maybe dying in my sleep: that didn't seem bad either. But not bleeding out in a cemetery, at a funeral, for god sakes! The pain is overwhelming and I can hardly think straight. I hear a frantic voice coming from somewhere above me. Even in this state I can recognize Castle's voice.

"Kate! Stay with me, okay?" I hear him plead.

_I'm trying, Castle, but it hurts so bad,_ I want to say, but my mouth is not working.

"Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate." Finally, the words I have waited to hear for three years, but I am angry. Why couldn't he have told me earlier? We could have had years, decades, eons, but no. I am dying, and I can never have him.

I am not a religious person, but at that moment I screamed out a silent prayer to any deity that would listen.

_Please! Please let me get better, I love him too! I love Richard Castle!_

But Death is cruel, and blocks my prayers. He smiles at me and grabs me. Death is so strong, pulling me away from the man I love. I try to fight him. But even as cruel as Death can be, he is also merciful. The pain is gone here, but on Earth, there is pain every day. I suddenly have no fight left in me, and I let myself fade into Deaths welcoming arms.

_I'm so sorry, Rick. I love you too. Always._

**Rick POV**

_No. No. NO! This can't happen. This doesn't get to happen! Not to me, not to Kate! _That is all I can think when I see her beautiful green eyes close.

"MOVE!" and I get thrown aside by an unknown person. The rest of the world is a grey blur; all I can see is Kate.

_No!_ Someone is taking her away from me, putting her on a stretcher and then into an ambulance. As soon as the red doors are slammed shut, the vehicle is off, racing against time to reverse the damage. I try to get up to follow, but my legs wont work. I feel strong hands on either side of my arms and realize both Ryan and Esposito helping me to my feet.

"Come on, Castle. We're going to the hospital." Those are the only words that can make me move. I manage to stumble into the waiting police cruiser and we take off, driving well above the speed limit, lights flashing, sirens blaring. I drop my head into my hands and let out a sob that has been building up in my chest.

_It is all my fault! How could I have been so STUPID! _I chant over and over again until the car pulls up to the emergency room door. I throw open my door and sprint inside. Ryan, Esposito and Lanie are right behind me.

"Katherine Beckett!" I practically shout when I reach the nurses station. The young redhead receptionist jumps and begins looking at charts on her desk. She grabs one, looks at it and pales.

"Are you family?" She asks timidly, almost as though she fears the answer. We all nod.

"Wait one moment," she almost whispers and runs off. Fear starts to bubble up in my chest. An older doctor comes around the corner followed by the fearful looking redhead. The doctors blue scrubs are painted in a strange red liquid. My knees start to feel weak. You can read the doctors face like an open book. We were too late. My breath comes out in quick bursts. My world starts going black around the edges, and I can no longer feel my legs. The doctor politely tells us to sit. I do one better. My legs completely give out and I go crashing to the floor.

_I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry._

That is the last thing I am aware of, then the world goes mercifully silent.

**Bad? Good? Please let me know - there might be a sequel, but I am not sure - NP**


	2. The quick decent into madness

**Disclaimer:**** I have not, do not, and will never own Castle. This is purely for my (and hopefully others) enjoyment.**

**Ricks POV**

The first thing I am aware of is a steady beeping.

_Strange, my alarm clock sounds nothing like that_, I think. _Whatever it is, it is bloody annoying!_ All I want it to do is stop. I am so tired; I just want to sleep of a week. But the beeping won't stop. My fingers twitch in annoyance.

"Dad?" A scared voice whispers above my head. "Dad, can you hear me?"

_Yes, of course I can hear you, what a silly question. _I open my eyes to find my daughter sitting by my head. She looks awful; her face is white as a ghost apart from her eyes, which are puffy and red.

"Your awake!" She sounds so relieved, but her red eyes are pain and sorrow.

"Alexis, what's wrong, Pumpkin?" My voice sounds croaky and rough, like sandpaper. Her brow wrinkles in confusion.

"Dad," she begins slowly, "Don't you remember anything from yesterday?" That is when I realize I am lying in a hospital bed.

_What the? What happened yesterday?_ "Alexis, what are you talking about?" I am seriously perplexed at this odd behavior. The girl sitting in front of me is not my happy and cheerful daughter. The girl in front of me is a scared, sad, confused version of Alexis, and she is scaring me.

"You must have hit your head really hard yesterday when you passed out. You had me so scared, don't EVER do that to me again." She commands me.

_What is so important about yesterday?_ "I'm sorry Alexis, I promise not to scare you like that again. Hm," I laugh to myself.

"What?" Alexis looks confused.

"Oh, well I'm just surprised Beckett's not here taking the Mickey out of me." I smile at my daughter and I expect to see her smile with me, but all she does is look back at me with confusion. Her perplexed look soon turns to one of horror and her eyes go from upset to tortured.

"Alexis?" I am starting to worry a little. If it is at all possible, she looks even paler.

"Dad," her voice is choked with emotion, "Oh, Dad. Detective Beckett is… Dad, she…" but Alexis cannot finish her sentence. She is choking on sobs that shake her whole body. Then it suddenly hits me like a freight train.

_Oh, God!_ All the memories from yesterday come crashing back with cruel clarity. Beckett, lying there as the light fades from her beautiful eyes, the ambulance racing against time, the cop car speeding down the road towards the hospital. The frightened redhead running off to find the doctor, the man covered in Kate's blood. Then the news: there was nothing more we could do, she never even made it to the hospital. Then comes my collapse, my agonized body screaming for relief, not caring in what form it came from. Then I remember nothing.

The memories have all come rushing back in a millisecond, and the pain of them stuns me so badly I cannot move. I am determined not to cry, not in front of Alexis. She is already a wreck, if she sees me crying, she will loose it even more. I open my arms to the sobbing girl and hug her with whatever strength I have left. A doctor, different from the one yesterday bustles into the room.

"Good, you are awake." The man sounds cheery. How can he sound so happy when the one person who made the world go round is dead? It shouldn't be allowed. There should be a national day of mourning for Kate Beckett.

"Well Mr. Castle, it looks like you had a pretty nasty fall, you landed on you head, but the CAT scan came up negative, so it just looks like you have a minor concussion. You're lucky, you know?"

_Lucky? I'm sorry; did the man just say lucky? I just lost the love of my life to a godless sniper, and you have the nerve to call me "LUCKY"? You stupid, stupid stupid man!_

I silently keep screaming abuse at the doctor before me, yet I very calmly thank him for his information and he leaves me in peace with my daughter.

* * *

><p>I am discharged from the hospital later that day, and slip into the car waiting outside for us. Martha and Alexis are quiet the whole car ride, steeling glances at me when they think I am not looking. I hate the way they are looking at each other, like they are afraid I am going to come crumbling down around their feet. I ignore them and as soon as we reach the loft, I lock myself in my study. Almost unconsciously my hand grabs for the liquor bottle kept on the edge of my desk. I don't even bother with a glass and take a swig of the golden liquor, marveling at the burning sensation as it slips down my throat.<p>

I don't know how long I have been sitting there; the once full liquor bottle is now rolling emptily across the floor. My cellphone rings and I grab it.

_Paula_. I groan and hit enter, knowing I will regret the decision later.

"Yes?" I don't even bother in trying to sound pleasant.

"Rick," by the tone, she is not bothering with amiable chitchat either. "I've set up a press conference in New York in two days." I did not think I was capable of being surprised right now, but I do feel a little startled by this information.

"Why?"

"Because there are some nasty rumors going around right now about you and your 'former' muse. I just want to nip any bad press in the bud right now, okay?" I am so shocked and angry with Paula I have temporarily forgotten how to speak. She takes my silence as an agreement. "Perfect, I will see you there at 2pm in two days. Bye!"

As soon as the line is disconnected, I chuck my phone as hard as I can against the far wall, imagining the impact point to be Paula's ugly face.

_That horrible, conniving, insensitive… _but even my vivid imagination had a hard time coming up with a word to describe Paula. It was a press conference she wanted, it was a press conference she was going to get.

* * *

><p>I stepped out of my office at 1am, not expecting anyone to still be up, but both Alexis and Martha were sitting in the kitchen, huddled over a tub of Ben and Jerry's.<p>

"Richard, darling. We didn't expect you up at this hour." _That makes three of us._

"Dad, Mr. Beckett just called," _So that is what that phone was ringing about_ "The funeral is tomorrow, well, actually today, and he said he wants us to come." Oh, I hadn't expected that.

"Um, sure, I guess. When is it?" This is the longest sentence I have spoken in 12 hours and my voice is dry and crackly from being unused.

"It is at noon, at the north cemetery."

"Okay, thanks." I really just want to go to the liquor cabinet, grab a bottle and disappear until 12pm tomorrow.

"Richard," Martha begins.

"Not now."

"But…"

"Please, Mother, not now." I silence her with a look and head up to my bedroom. I know sleep will be impossible, but I have to try.

It is beautiful at the cemetery. The grounds are a perfect shade of green and expertly maintained. The sky is blue and the hills are dotted with trees and tombstones. The ground besides Kate's is brown and a neat pile of dirt is waiting besides a long, deep hole cut into the earth. Her coffin is made of cherry wood and it gleams in the sunlight. The service is nice, but the eulogy was all wrong. Kate never said whom she wanted to do her eulogy, so her father gave it to the 12th precinct's new captain. Captain Gates never knew Kate, so listening to her give a speech about the brave, wonderful girl lying in front of them was so wrong. Alexis and Martha cried silently throughout the entire service, while many of the people around them dabbed at their eyes occasionally. I had not cried one tear since losing it in Ryan's car, and I was intent on keeping it that way. Then the service was over. People came and shook our hands, apologizing for our loss, giving out condolences like they were tissues. They didn't care. They didn't know how I was feeling; they didn't get to apologize for Death taking his Kate away from him.

The sky is too sunny, it is blinding. _The sky does not deserve to be happy. No one does._

* * *

><p>By 1:30 the next day, I was respectable and down at the press conference. Paula was there, mingling and chatting with various members of the press: television, newspaper, magazines and tabloids.<p>

_You horrible bloodsucking fiends! But you will get what you came for, make no mistake about that!_ I smile grimly at the thought and finally it is time for me to make my address to the press. Paula smiles and hands me some cue cards with my speech written out on them. I place them on the podium in front of me and take a deep breath.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I would like to thank you for taking the time to come here today." So far, so good. "We all know you have three things to write about. Number one: Tragedy. Number two: Love. And Number three: Lies. Well, I'm sorry, but I can only fill two of those criteria. There is a widespread rumor going around that I had been having an affair with the former Detective Kate Beckett. That is false. I do love her, though. I have loved her from the moment I first met her three years ago, but only had the guts to tell her seconds before she died at the hands of a psychopath. There, that fills two of your three criteria, so go now and splash my ruined life all over your "Page 6" so you can make a buck or two. And then, when people get tired of hearing about me and my messed up life, you can go and ruin someone else's for a change." I am practically screaming the last part of my speech to the audience. They are dumbstruck. There is not a single cough, not a single question, not a single picture. I look over at Paula's horrified face.

_Good, you got what you deserved._ "Good day to you all." And with that statement, I turn on my heel and march out of the room.


	3. excepting the inevitable

**Disclaimer:**** I have not, do not and will never own Castle. This is purely for my (and hopefully others) enjoyment.**

**Thank you to everyone who read the first chapters, I am still trying to find the words to describe how it feels.**

**Ricks POV**

I storm back into the loft, throwing my blazer on the couch and my keys at the wall. I would also throw my phone, but it is lying in a heap of pieces on the floor of my office. I go straight to the liquor cabinet and grab the first two bottles I can lay my hands on then make a mad dash for my study before anyone can stop me.

_Horrible, scrounging parasites! Why cant you just LEAVE ME ALONE! _All I want to do is forget about everything. Forget about the devastated look on Paula's face, the crushing silence of the shocked press, forget that I never got to say goodbye to the one woman who could make all the hurt in the world go away. I rip off the cap on one of the bottles in my hand and take a deep swig. The unexpected taste makes me choke and cough.

_Grey Goose, huh, not bad, _I muse. Suddenly there is a pounding on my locked door.

"Richard Alexander Rodgers! You open this door RIGHT NOW!" Martha shouts from behind a layer of wood. She has not called me by me full given name in decades, and for as long as I can recall, she has never used that tone of voice.

"GO AWAY!" I scream back, not caring that I sound like a two-year-old having a temper tantrum.

"You open this door right now of so help me, I will…"

"You'll what?" I cut her off mid-lecture, hoping that will make her loose stream. She seems at a loss for a good threat, so she reduces herself to shaking the door handle and begging.

"Richard, please." When she does not get an answer from me, she continues. "At least tell us what is happening. I am watching you go crazy at the press right now!" Ah, I can hear the television on, reliving my last encounter with the press. I still say nothing to the woman on the other side of the door. After five more minutes of waiting, she finally leaves. Just as I hear her thumping up the stairs, the front door is thrown open and someone storms in.

"RICHARD CASTLE! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED BACK THERE?" I smile grimly. I knew Paula was going to show her ugly face around here sometime, but I didn't think it would be this soon.

"Paula?" Martha sounds shocked to see her here, but Paula just pushes past her and pounds on my door.

"OPEN UP RICK, WE NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT!" I am not afraid of her, but I can tell the rest of my family is terrified of the woman standing in front of my door. "Do you have ANY idea of what kind of mess you have made? I am going to have to call in ALL of my favors and then some in order for this whole thing to blow over. It's all over the news, 'Richard Castle finally gone round the twist'. It's a nightmare and all because you couldn't keep you big mouth shut and read those damn cue cards!" She roars. Even though I am expecting abuse from her, my hands are shaking with fury.

"You know what Paula," I shout back at her through the door, "We are OVER! DONE! FINISHED! YOU – ARE – FIRED!" I experience a joy I have never felt before. A sort of savage pleasure comes from getting rid of this canker that has latched on to me in order to make money.

"But… but Rick… you have a c-contract, you c-cant just up and f-fire me…" She sounds shocked and winded, like I have punched her in the stomach, taking all her air away.

"I DON'T CARE," I scream at the door, "I'm breaking the contract. Damn the consequences! Get out of my life!" There is a pause, and then I can hear Paula's high-heeled feet walk her to the door and out of my life forever. When the door closes I hear my mother approach the door quietly.

"Richard?" She calls out softly. The manic burst of energy I got when getting rid of Paula has left me feeling drained. I feel do exhausted I have to lean my body against the door.

"Please Mother, not now." I whisper at the door, and slide slowly down. When I reach the floor, I curl up into a ball and rock back and forth, hoping beyond any reason that this will take the pain away.

* * *

><p>I must have fallen asleep, because I know that this is impossible. I am standing next to Kate, and we are at the funeral. She is up at the podium, giving her speech. God, she looks so beautiful, even on a sleepless night, her face pale and her eyes puffy. Then I see a glint of light behind a grave.<p>

"Kate!" I dive towards her, determined to save her this time. The shot rings out and I feel a searing pain in my chest, right where my heart should be.

_I saved her. _That is all that goes through my head. I look down, desperate to see her beautiful face once more, but then I notice she is bleeding too. Horrified, I realize the bullet has gone not only through me, but passed through Kate as well. We are just lying there, dying in each other's arms, and there is nothing that can be done. I need to tell her I love her, with all my soul, but I cannot speak. I cannot breathe or see. I cannot feel her; all I feel is a cold hard surface. I wake up with a scream. I push myself into an upright position and look around me. I am still in my office, but it is dark outside now. The clock on my wall tells me it is 2:30 in the morning. I need to get out of this room. There are too many reminders of Kate. All the Nikki Heat novels sit on the shelf behind my desk. The promotional poster for my new book is sitting in the corner of the room. I cannot deal with this right now. I have to get out. I throw open the door, but out of the corner of my eye, I see a glint of a picture frame. I turn back to look at it. The frame holds a picture of Kate and I. We are posing in silly costumes at my annual Halloween party. God, she is so beautiful, standing there, smiling and laughing and full of life. The memory is turning to poison in my veins. The pain of remembering her is too much to take. I can't stand it; it is making my stomach turn and my head pound. I grab the picture frame and hurtle it as hard as I can to the opposite side of the room. It shatters into a million pieces on impact. I grab the Heat Rises poster and rip it in half, then quarters and jump on the pieces. I run to the bookshelf and start to rip the books from their perch, letting them fall to the floor in a clump, and then I start to kick them about, ripping pages from them and throwing them around the room.

"What is going on here?" Martha sounds shocked and scared. My 'remodeling' has not been quiet, but I don't care. Caring hurts too much and uses too much energy. I have no energy left to do anything anymore. I collapse on the ground, amongst the wage of destruction. Martha rushes to my side and tries to hug me. I want to fight her affection but my attempts are weak and pitiful.

"Richard, Honey, it's okay to let it out. You loved her…"

"No I didn't," I say dully.

"Richard, you tried to take a bullet for her, you love her." Martha tries to reason with me, but I am so far beyond reasoning. The poison of her memory burns in the veins. All I can see is red.

"I hate her, I hate her. I wish I had never met her. God, I wish she never existed!" I find myself screaming. "No! Stop!" Martha is trying her best to hug me, but I am now fighting her with everything I have left. "I hate her, I hate her, I hate her." I chant over and over again, slowly loosing energy until I can fight it no more. The sobs that I have denied my body comes out and I melt into my mother's arms.

"I hate her, I hate her," I whisper into her shoulder.

"No Richard, shh, you don't hate her. You love her, and the pain of living with it is too much to take. Sweetheart, I know." She coos softly into my ear, rubbing small circles on my back. We sit there on the floor for a long time, until it is light out. I let the tears flow, not bothering to wipe them away because I know new ones will take its place. My breakdown has drained me of energy, and all I can do is sit there and take all of the new emotions in. Alexis comes down sometime later and joins in on the hug.

"Dad, I think we should go get some flowers and go to the cemetery."

_Thank you, Alexis. That is just what I need._

* * *

><p>An hour later, I am clutching a bouquet of sunflowers and standing in front of Kate's grave. The earth is still brown; there hasn't been a chance for grass to start growing yet. Alexis and Martha are waiting at the car, they said I needed to do this alone, and they are right. I lightly place the flowers by your gravestone and just stand there. The sun is warming my face and I let the tears flow.<p>

"Kate," I begin thickly, "Kate, I should have told you this everyday I was with you. I love you. I always have loved you and I always will love you. Man, if you were here now, you would probably kick my ass for saying this, but it is true. And I don't care how much money or dresses or shaved eyebrows that stands between you and me, but I will never stop loving you. You are my always." And with that, the words I have been longing to say since day one are said. "See you around, Kate." I blow a tender kiss to the sky and turn back to the waiting car.


	4. forever heat

**Disclaimer:**** I have not, do not and will never own Castle. This is purely for my (and hopefully others) enjoyment.**

**Thanks again to everyone and I'm sorry – I know this chapter is really short**

**Ricks POV**

I found that life goes on. I still wake up every morning with an ache in my chest, but after a few months, I realized, I did not mind living with that ache. It reminded me of everything I loved and everything I must live for. I still visited the boys and Lainie, I even helped them out on some cases, but I did not commit myself to the precinct like I used to. Alexis went to Stanford with Ashley and Martha got back into Broadway. I visited Kate's grave twice a week, sometimes more, always brining flowers and I would just sit there four hours and talk. I got a new agent, Jim. He is really a great guy. He's funny, and I know Kate would have loved him. Neither Jim nor Gina forced me to finish Heat Rises, so I put it on the back burner. I wrote other books, all critically acclaimed, but the world still craved for the third adventure of Nikki Heat. Gina finally called and said the publishing house was demanding a third Nikki Heat novel. I knew it was coming, but I had hoped it wasn't.

"Rick, I can tell them to stuff it, if you want." Gina was trying to be a concerned ex-wife.

"It's okay Gina. I should finish it, I think I need to do it for myself." Although it sounded strange, I was right. I needed to finish what I had started four and a half years ago. It was what needed to be done.

"You sure, Rick? I have no problem in telling them to get lost."

"Ha, I'm sure that wont be a problem for you." I can hear her laugh on the other end of the line.

"Okay, well, I'll get the paperwork drawn up. You take care and say hi to the girls for me, right?"

"Alright Gina, bye." I hang up and sigh. Rolling over in my chair, I grab my laptop and open a new word document. The title comes to me almost instantaneously. "Forever Heat". It sounds right, not over gushy but let the world know the depth of the love I feel for 'Nikki Heat'. It is surprisingly easy writing about Heat and Rook again, it is almost therapeutic. I don't know how long I have been typing, but before I realize it, the novel is done. The last ever story about Nikki and her Rook is over, there will be no more. I scroll through the story and count up the pages. 300 pages it took to convey the devotion I felt to one person. But as I reread it, I can find no faults. I send a copy to both Gina and Jim. They both reply in record time.

_Rick, this is beautiful. Truly, this is your masterpiece. Gina._ I smile; this is possibly the nicest thing Gina has ever said to me. Jim's reply is much of the same. A new message pops up. It is from Gina. Confused, I click on it.

_One thing – you need a dedication._ I frown. I deliberately left out the dedication, hoping no one would notice, but of course Gina would. I sigh and bring up the final draft of Forever Heat. My fingers are positioned above the keyboard and I think it will take me forever to find the words I want to say, but they come out almost instantly.

_To KB, you are my forever, always._

* * *

><p>Forever Heat is released and almost overnight rockets to number one on the New York Times Best Seller list. The reviews are nothing but positive and copies are sold out even in the pre-orders. All I can do though is go to Kate's grave with a copy and read to her. It is comfortable just sitting there reading, but I am interrupted by Jim. He calls me and tells me I am booked on reading tours, book signings and press conferences.<p>

"Just try not to have a repeat of your last press conference," he chuckles. I laugh along with him, but am slightly worried.

"How long will I be gone?" It is a simple enough question.

"About a month. You start in L.A. in two days." Oh, wow.

"L.A.? But what about New York?"

"The booking time was all wrong, so New York is last on the agenda."

"Oh, alright." I am not inclined to be gone from by beloved city and my beloved Kate for a month. Jim can sense my unwillingness.

"She'll be with you on the tour and there when you get back," he says softly and I know he is right.

"Let's do it then." I try to sound more excited than I actually feel, but this needs to be done.

"Great, see you in L.A."

"Bye." I hang up and stare fondly down at the grave. The grass has long since grown back and flowers are blooming around it.

"See you soon," I whisper, so as not to disturb her, "I love you."

* * *

><p>This book tour was like any other. Fans come up, ask for a picture and I sign their copy of Forever Heat. City after city after city. My charm is always 'on' and I smile and pretend to be interested in what they have to say. But it's boring, and I have heard it all before. I am finally back in New York, but there is no time to visit Kate. I head straight from a press conference to a book signing at the public library. Fans come up and ask for my picture. I smile politely and pose next to them.<p>

_I must have signed a thousand books, when is this day going to be over?_ More books get shoved into my hands and my fingers are starting to cramp up from all the signatures. The next person walks up. She is very pretty, a brunette, and she places her copy of Forever Heat gently in my hands, almost as though she does not want to lose or have any damage befall it.

"Hi, and who should I make this out to?" The brunette looks pained, then opens her mouth.

"Kate, you can make it out to Kate."


	5. the other half

**To everyone who has read this: I am SO sorry about how long it has taken me to write this chapter. Every time I think I have a good idea it is crap. Thank you especially to fanfictioncaskett4 – you are such great help to get me motivated. Thank you to everyone who read, added or reviewed this story, and once again, I apologize for the horrible tardiness of the new chapter (and the story isn't finished yet – working on the next chapter now)**

**Disclaimer:**** I have not, do not and will never own Castle. This is purely for my (and hopefully others) enjoyment.**

**Thank you to everyone who has read this story – the feeling is indescribable.**

**Ricks POV**

"Kate, you can make it out to Kate." My hands freeze over the cover and my fingers are so numb the pen slips out from my grasp. My heart is pounding in my chest, so hard it feels like it is about to explode. I never thought I would hear that voice again.

_I've gone crazy! The stress of the tour has finally got to me._ My breathing is shallow and spots start to bloom across my eyes. I swallow, not daring to look up. I know that as soon as I see this woman's face, the illusion will be shattered and I will be pulled back to a harsh reality.

_Kate is dead, you visit her grave all the time, and you were at her funeral! Now get a grip and look at the woman, it's not like Kate Beckett was the only Kate in the world!_ I steel my nerves and force my eyes to travel up her body. She is tall, there is no mistaking that, very thin and is hunched onto herself, like she does not want to draw attention to her. As soon as I see her eyes, though, I almost pass out. Green. Her eyes were green: beautiful, deep, emerald green. A green I had not seen in 10 months. A green I had told myself I would never see again.

"Kate?" It comes out barely more than a whisper.

"A-are you okay? You l-look really pale." Her face is a mask of concern, but all I can do is stare at her face. The woman is pale and thin and looks terrified, but there is no way to mistake it, Kate Beckett, the DEAD Kate Beckett, is standing right in front of me.

_This isn't possible, this isn't possible, you are downright, certifiably nuts!_ "Uh, I need some air. Right now." I think I am going to vomit all over the table. I hurriedly motion for the security guard to come over. He rushes over, confused.

"Mr. Castle, are you alright. Do you need anything?"

_I need a brain scan._ "I need to get out of here, like, NOW!"

"Okay," he replies. If he is confused, he hides it well. "Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could have your attention please." He has to shout over the commotion. The rest of the people in the line are getting impatient. "I am sorry to tell you, but we are all out of time for today. We apologize sincerely, but something has come up in Mr. Castle's schedule, and it is unavoidable." There is a general grumble going around the room, and several dirty glances in my direction, but all I can see is Kate. Nothing else in the world matters right now.

"Mr. Castle, if you would come with me, your car is around the back waiting to pick you up." The security guard sounds concerned, and I feel a deep appreciation towards him for all his help. "Ma'am, if you wouldn't mind, I am going to have to ask you to leave." I shake my head wildly, "She's coming with you?" I nod, afraid that if I open my mouth I will be sick right then and there. I reach out to touch Kate, to make sure she is real. I almost break down crying when I can feel her skin. Her warm skin, and a pulse beating beneath it. She IS real, not an illusion.

"I don't know if I can…" she sounds worried. Panic grips me. I cannot lose her again.

"No… please… leave… no… come… me… please?" I have found my voice, but am still in too much shock to make a coherent sentence. I am griping her hand so tight but I am afraid if I let it go, it will turn into smoke and I will wake up from this trance. Kate looks torn, but nods to herself and lets me pull her towards the car waiting out back.

"Fallon's going to kill me," she mutters under her breath, and normally I would be shocked by this information, but I doubt even an elephant dancing the Cancan down 5th Avenue would surprise me now.

**Kates POV**

I know I should not have come. And I tried, tried really hard not to, but I just could not stop myself. The last thing I could remember was getting shot at Roy Montgomery's funeral as I gave the eulogy. I remember being thrown to the ground a second too late and the bullet rip into my chest. I remember the pain and the fear, but I also remember Castle and his pleads for me to return to him. I remember the world going dark and the pain going away, then after that, nothing. I was so confused when I woke up, I was sure I was dead, but I did not think the afterlife would look so much like a hospital. That was when I was told by Agent Fallon that I WAS in the hospital, that I had survived the assassination attempt that I finally made some sense of it all. I was still confused though, I had no idea where Castle was because I was sure he would be the first person in my room. Panic gripped me as I thought that maybe the sniper had gotten to Castle too, and he didn't make it, like I did.

"Where's Castle?" _God my voice sounded like sandpaper!_ No one said anything.

"Um, WHERE IS CASTLE!" I said again, almost choking on fear.

"At your funeral." It took a few moments for what Fallen had said to sink in.

"I'm sorry… WHAT?" _Was I dead, I didn't look or feel dead, I was positive I was still alive. And if I was dead, how are Fallen here?_

"Kate, this may be a little hard for you to hear, but, legally, you are dead." I opened my mouth, but not a single sound came out. "Kate, the DHS has some idea of who is behind this and if it is who we think it is, nowhere is safe for you unless "you" are not alive. The only person who knows of your survival is your father. Other than that, the entire world thinks Kate Beckett is being buried today and that is that. You are to contact NO ONE from the past, and when I say no one, I mean not a SINGLE SOLE other than your father." The reality of what he is saying to me sinks in. I am suddenly able to find my voice in an instant.

"You mean, no one?"

"Yes, you can never talk to or see him again Kate. It is not only for your safety, but for his and his family." Fallon's voice is softer now, but that still doesn't cushion the blow dealt. I cannot help it, as the realization of everything Fallon has said to me. No more girl's-nights with Laine, no more playful banter around the bullpen with Ryan and Espisito. No more Castle. Big, fat tears that have been welling up in the corners of my eyes start to fall and before I know it, the front of my shirt is soaked in salty tears. Fallon excuses himself from the room and all I can do there is curl up on my hospital bed and cry. There is nothing left of me, everything and everyone I cared for, the one I loved, is gone from me

_Fallon was right, Katharine Beckett is dead._

My father came to visit me later that day, and I have never seen a man so haunted. His eyes, ones that sparked with life and joy, were flat and dead. I have only ever seen them look that way once before: after we buried my mother. He just stood in the doorway for a minute, then lurched himself into my arms and cried; gut wrenching sobs that echoed my own just a few hours previously. I cried along with him, and for what seemed like hours, we just lay there in each other's arms. He finally spoke in a hollow voice,

"Katharine Beckett, you will NEVER put me through that again. EVER! Do you understand me?" I could hear him try to put anger behind the words, but there was no malice in it.

"I'm sorry" I choked out, "I'm so sorry!"

"I forgive you." And that was that.

I spent a week in the hospital bed, and when I could finally get up, I discovered on my many walks around the facilities, that I was in some type of government bunker. An extremely nice bunker, but bunker nonetheless. It had a working hospital, which I already knew, living quarters, exercise facilities, an indoor garden, libraries and an entertainment system to rival most franchised movie theaters. I was even allowed to keep up with the worldly news, though the Internet was highly guarded around me. Fallon never divulged details about the investigation which had gotten me into this situation, but was a pleasant enough person to be around, and I was quick to make friends with many of the guards around the building as well as the technicians, doctors and staff in the bunker. Although it was a nice enough life I lived down here, I craved for knowledge of the outside world. I missed everyone and everything, I knew I missed Ryan's wedding, I missed Lanie and Espisito's relationship develop, missed Alexis going off to college, but the person I missed the most was Castle. Everyday I scanned the news for knowledge of him, both good and bad. It broke my heart to see him unhinged about my "death", I practically fought Fallon to let me see him, but of course I lost. When Forever Heat was released, I begged Fallon, on hand an knee to get me a copy. He finally relented and I devoured it in hours. I cried harder than I had in months at the dedication and the end, and when I heard about the book tour I jumped at the opportunity.

"Please!"

"No, absolutely not Beckett, are you insane?" I knew Fallon would never go for it.

"Fallon, please, just, please will you let me have this. It has been 10 months. 10 MONTHS! Come on, PLEASE! The world thinks I'm dead…"

"And we would like the keep it that way," Fallon interrupted me. "And I promise, I will just get the book signed and leave, that is it." I was not going to let Fallon take this away from me, not now.

"Please?" There was a pleading edge to my voice that have never been there before and if I was in any right mind I would have been so ashamed of myself, but right now, all I wanted was to see Castle's face, if just once more. Fallon sighed and shook his head.

"Alright, fine," I stopped breathing, not daring to believe my luck. "You can go. You will be under full protection, body armor, agents, the works, and it will be New York. It is the last city and the last place _they_ would look for you." I can't believe it, I am going! I am really, actually getting a chance to see the outside world, to see HIM!

Two weeks has never taken longer but then I am off, traveling to New York. I expected the city to be a barren wasteland, some scene out of an apocalypse film, or just different is some way, but no, my city has not changed one bit, it is still the same place, the place I love and miss so much it hurts. The car pulls up to the library and I take a deep breath. _God, I am so…_ but I can't think of an adjective. _Scared, excited, sick-to-my-stomach?_ They are all applicable. FOREVER HEAT: BOOK SIGNING TODAY 2pm with RICHARD CASTLE a poster proudly states. I look at my watch, 1:59. I sprint inside.

Even though I am right on time, the line is a hundred people long, easily. I wait patiently and I finally get a glimpse of him, I am shocked. The Rick I knew was a happy, bouncy child, incapable of pessimism, or sadness. He was like one of those toys that no matter how hard you pushed over; it would still rock back up with a smile on its face. The man sitting at the table before me was but a shell of the man I knew. He had lost too much weight, there were bags under his eyes and the fake smile that was plastered onto his face never even touched his eyes. Grated, he looked a million times better than the pictures of him during his meltdown, but the sight of my other half, broken, made me fight the tears that were coming to my eyes.

The man in front of me moves. _Shit!_ It's my turn. I honestly think I am going to be sick all over the floor and the table as I move forward. I swallow my fear and gently place my book into HIS hands.

"Hi, and who should I make this out to?" _SHIT! He needs my name? Oh GOD! What am I going to do?_ Fallon had given me a name to use if I was asked for it, but for the life of me, I cannot think of it. _Oh god, Fallon's going to murder me!_

"Kate, you can make it out to Kate." _Sorry!_


End file.
